on my own.. [entries|friends|calendar] michelle [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[21 Apr 2004|11:15pm] [ mood | cranky ] [ music | bright eyes - no lies, just lvoe ] i'm pretty sure nobody cares about this journal so i'm going to stop writing in it. if, by chance, anyone would like to read about my ever so retarded life, go here 2 comments|post comment

[05 Apr 2004|09:31pm] [ mood | apathetic ] [ music | yellowcard - cigarette ] and i would wait for you - if you would wait for me - i will wait for you - if you will wait for me whoa - today = whoa - there isn't another word to explain it picked tyler up for school - went to school - decided that i'm going to toronto with choir next week which totally rocks - got along great with tyler all day - nothing hard in any of my classes after school i went to tyler's locker with him - he has a new nickname for me - whorehead - i don't know where it came from - he walked to my locker with me and then we both walked to my car together to make a long story short - tyler and i ended up in my backseat in the school parking lot - we didn't have sexual intercourse - but uhh - well it was close i can't help myself when it comes to him - i can't do it - and that's kinda bad since we're only friends right now - he was the one who started things i guess - but i certainly wasn't doing anything to stop him - and i'm sure things would have went further had i not had a softball game to go to softball = fuck it - i don't even feel like explaining why i'm so pissed about it - one more game like today's though and i'm done - i'm not putting up with that shit but yeah - the whole tyler thing - just.. i don't know - he's getting out of wrestling practice right now so i'll probably call him in a few minutes - but yeah - does anyone think i'm incredibly stupid for letting what happened today happen - my feelings are all mixed about it post comment

[04 Apr 2004|02:20pm] [ mood | lethargic ] [ music | afi - this time imperfect ] i cannot leave here - i cannot stay - forever haunted - more than afraid - asphyxiate on words i would say - i'm drawn to a blackened sky as i turn blue [just a thought before i actually start writing - today makes exactly one year since my back surgery] well - i have a lot to talk about i guess - i'm not really sure what the last thing i wrote about was - i'm waiting for my mother to get off the phone so i can get online to check - so while i'm waiting i'm sitting here eating pizza rolls - even though all i've done today is eat - i do that too much - anyway i think the last time i wrote was tuesday, the day we didn't have school because the school was flooded inside from all of the rain so let's start with wednesday - i'm pretty sure i was in a good mood for most of school - after school i was just.. blah - tyler was there for track so he stood with me for a little while trying to figure out what was wrong with me - i didn't even know what was wrong with me so i couldn't tell him - i think that made him upset - i ended up going to practice practically crying i came home from practice and called tyler - our conversation wasn't a very good one - i was really upset when i hung up - i got online and started thinking and was just like "i just need to call him back and tell him i'm done - i can't do this anymore" - so i call him and i'm like "do you remember how the other night i asked you if you were just confused about what you wanted - about how you want to have fun and not feel like you're being held back so you're pushing me away - but you love me and you want to be with me so you're trying to keep me here at the same time?" - he said yes - so i said "do you have any idea what that's doing to me?" - and he said "what?" - i was just like "it's driving me crazy" - i asked him what he wanted.. if he wanted to be just friends or if he actually wanted to be with me again - he said "i don't know" - so i said "well maybe we should just be friends until you can make up your mind" - definitely hurt me to say that, but i really think it needed to be said - so yeah - it's now official that tyler and i are just friends - *gets teary eyed once again* - we talked for a while after that - i asked him if he wanted me to switch lunch tables - he was like "well that's up to you - i would feel lost without you though - i'd have nobody to walk with - nobody to hide from - nobody to run away from - nobody to run to" - so i said "tyler why are we just friends if both of us want more?" - again the time excuse comes up - he says he doesn't have enought time and it's not fair to me - i'd rather deal with him not having a lot of time rather than dealing with not having him at all the conversation went on a little longer - we both cried - at one point tyler said "</i>i have something to tell you, but i'm not sure you want to hear it</i>" - and then he said "i love you" - and then he said "i'm sorry" and i was like "you're sorry for loving me?" and he said "no, i'm sorry for putting you through this hell" - *sigh* the next day was really hard - i picked him up for school - as soon as he walked away from me when we walked in the doors i started crying - he went to his locker and then came back and stopped and said "i don't know what to do - i feel lost" - and yeah - that day totally sucked friday wasn't as bad - i was in a good mood most of the day - but i came home and was all sad so i took my "antipsychotics" and slept from 6:30 that night til 10:00 yesterday i went shopping for my prom dress - got it - i'll show pictures sometime - also got 2 shirts from pacific sunwear - a pair of sandals from old navy - accessories for my prom dress - a happy bunny air freshener for my car - and a lot of food - all i do is eat then i came home for a total of 15 minutes and went back to kari's house - went and put gas in my car and stopped at tyler's - we were just like we always had been - pillow fights and tickle fights and wrestling matches and tyler sticking his stinky feet in my face - it was so hard - i just wanted to hug him and for things to be the way they used to be - but yeah his mom started yelling at him so i just left - went to long john silver's to meet up with kari, jen, niki, ashley, and janielle - we went to the movies to see the prince and me - good movie even though it basically had the same plot as every other movie julia stiles is in came home - went to sleep - got up - and here i am - usually i would spend my sunday's at tyler's house - makes me sad - i'm trying to figure out if i have a date for prom or not - tyler still wants to go but he's in trouble so his parents won't say whether or not he can go - i kinda need to know - angel said he would go with me but there's no way he could get here which sucks and yeah - my head hurts - i wrote too much - so i'm gonna end this post comment

[30 Mar 2004|07:15pm] [ mood | mellow ] [ music | bright eyes - february fifteenth ] thought i'd start the entry off with a picture - you can obviously see who is who - we always leave homeroom in the morning and go in mr. devol's office to make his coffee for him - so yeah - that's where the name came from - the picture is probably like 3 weeks old - my hair is now tinted red and about 4-5 inches shorter - ahh i took the poem to tyler's house on sunday to read it to him - he wasn't there because he was wrestling somewhere around cincinatti - i talked to his mom for a while - had lunch with the rest of his family - then i wrote him a letter and put the poem with it and put it in an envelope - the letter basically said that i wrote the poem to remind us both of how things used to be.. and to give us hope that they could be that way again - then i told him we either had to be just friends.. or we're going to be together - i can't take anything else.. i'm not going to be there just for his "pleasure" and then be useless then i left his house and came home - called kari to find out our plans for the night - we decided we were going to watch movies at her house - so i wore tyler's sexy leopard pants down there and took some movies lol - it was myself, kari, jennifer, janielle, niki, and ashley - we went to dairy queen - and then rode around to albany to ashley's house - stayed there for a while - then went back to kari's - the ride back was hilarious - it was kari, janielle, and niki in the back.. with me laying across them - we were changing every song we heard to have something to do with cheese - it was so great - they're all so funny.. love em to death =) at kari's we watched dickey roberts and school of rock - david called kari's house to apologize to kari and me about the way he has been "avoiding" us and tyler was there so i talked to him - he was drunk - didn't remember anything the next day lol - it was funny though i went fishing and riding on the four wheeler on sunday - good times monday was our first softball game - i didn't really get to play - i ran for jen when she got on base and i scored a run - i was supposed to go in to relieve jen at the beginning of the 6th inning, but she didn't want to stop - we were winning then - but ended up losing the game 13-9 - that kinda sucked - we played a good game though - we should definitely have a good season - kari said i'm supposed to be starting pitcher tomorrow - if we even have the game - it won't stop raining yeah - that's just about it - have a nice evening =) post comment

[27 Mar 2004|01:26am] [ mood | numb ] [ music | our lady peace - are you sad ] How It Was Long conversations on the phone Talking to you while home alone A permanent smile on my face A special bond that couldn’t be replaced Laughing forever and never being sad Loving every moment together we had Acting like a dork and not ever caring Even when people would laugh and start staring Being in your arms and feeling so right Wishing I could stay with you through the night Remembering the taste of your sweet kiss How your lips brought an instant bliss Looking into your eyes and falling in love all over again Knowing with this love, there was no need to pretend Holding your hand as if it was all that kept me alive Though I was living off the feeling you gave me inside Wishing our time together would never come to an end You gave a new meaning to the words “best friend” Michelle Irene Langford Copyright ©2004 Michelle Irene Langford it hurts.. so much to read that. to think about how it was. and to feel the way i do now. i think i want to read that outloud to tyler, right in front of him. so he can see me cry when i do read it. is that wrong? maybe he'll feel something then. maybe then he'll realize what he's losing. i can't take this anymore. post comment

[26 Mar 2004|04:31pm] [ mood | lazy ] [ music | new found glory - eyesore ] i say your name when i fall - when i hit the bottom ahh - grasshoppahh - lots of interesting things to talk about - maybe - i guess i found them interesting tuesday i was supposed to go to tyler's - but his uncle came in town and yeah he said "it's probably not a good idea" - so i went with kari to the all star basketball games in wellston - good times - we laughed a lot and i ate a lot of food wednesday i went to tyler's before softball practice - everything is good and he's all nice - we start messing around - we have sex - something.. that i'm sure nobody wants to know about because it's.. icky.. ..yeah... something happens and tyler is done - since we're not having sex anymore he treats me like shit - hitting me and calling me names like a "dirty slut" or "god damn whore" - which he kinda makes me feel like, treating me the way he does - i ended up leaving his house on the verge of tears and in pain.. not just from him beating me though practice was ok - we were out on the baseball field - i pitched - coach asked me if i wanted to start on thursday - i said yes after practice i went to katilyn's house - she and i walked 5 miles in the dark just for the hell of it - we talked about a lot of things - we went to ryan sullivan's house and talked to his mom for about 30 minutes - i love her - she's very easy to talk to and very understanding about the tyler situation since she knows tyler so well - so yeah that's what we talked about - then we walked back and i came home coach asked me if i wanted to start - well on thursday i find out he wanted me to start on the jv team - this really pissed me off - i was the only fucking senior on the jv team - jen pitched the whole varsity game so she didn't need a relief pitcher so i didn't even get to play in the varsity game - i'm very upset about that - oh welllll - varsity lost 6-1 and jv lost 8-4 - i didn't pitch the whole time because they wanted to let someone else pitch for practice - i was complemented a lot though - even by the other teams coach - i heard him talking to our coach and he said "i can't believe i haven't heard of her before" - so that made me feel better i guess after i got home i took a shower and went to kari's - from kari, jen, and i went to niki's house - we decided to play some basketball and then eat dinner - then we went to cruise athens - we went around court street then to walmart - we were crazy in there but it was fun - niki and i galloped around the store with cowboy hats on while riding horses, lol - good times - we were waiting for ashley to get there in the parking lot - we turned on some disco music and we danced in the parking lot - it was so funny - ashley came and we went to court street to dance - lol at court street they got the idea to go to the park and play - so i went to get in kari's car - i had one foot in the door and kari started going - lmao - niki and i both started screaming - kari thought i was already in so she took off - i didn't get hurt or anything but it was definitely scary - i almost died from laughing so hard so we went to the park and played for about 30 minutes in the dark - then we rode around the ridges - kinda spooky - then we went back to niki's - we watched a movie and fell asleep i got up this morning - ate breakfast - and came home - now i'm sitting here - i still need a shower - i tried calling tyler - he's out with his uncle or something tyler - i don't know - i guess the thought of not being with him is getting easier - he does treat me badly sometimes, and i know i don't deserve that - but he also makes me really happy - *sigh* - i'll figure something out sometime i think i'm done now - later post comment

[22 Mar 2004|06:17pm] [ mood | confused ] [ music | michelle branch - goodbye to you ] goodbye to you - goodbye to everything i thought i knew - you were the one i loved - the one thing that i tried to hold on to ah - where did i last leave off - yeah - i had just gotten back from tyler's - nothing had been said about our relationship - still wasn't clear on whether or not we were back together friday night i babysat abby and alex - they were here til a little after 4 on saturday - i called kari and she asked if i wanted to go to the movies with her, jennifer, niki, ashley, and janelle - i said yes - then i was talking to michael george online about david's party that night - i said i would probably stop out there before i went home - mainly just to see if tyler had gone out there went to nelsonville to pick up a trophy for justin at tyler's grandmother's house - walked over to tyler's to say hi - said hi - told tyler i was leaving - he got up and hugged me for a long time - kissed me repeatedly - and said i love you a lot - then i left and went to kari's went to see 50 first dates - very good movie - i loved the penguin in it - after the movie we went to dairy queen and i annoyed the workers there by saying "i like ice cream" over and over - it was good times - we were all laughing practically the whole time went to kari's for a few minutes and then to david's - when i got there it was just david, travis, michael, chris, and cj - i was taking shots like not even 2 minutes after i got there - then i grabbed the bottle of parrot bay and just started drinking from it - they wanted to go blow up john brown's mailbox - i didn't want to go but travis was the only one staying there and i knew if i stayed with travis tyler would have found out and said something about it - he already thinks travis and i talk to much now - so i went - and it was funny - you can see completely through the mailboxes - went back to david's and tried to run away with the parrot bay - they didn't want me to drink any more though so they kept taking it from me - then chris drove me home in my car and david took him back to his house - i was gonna have david pick me up and go back out there but by the time he would have gotten here i would have been passed out so i said screw it sunday - had my hair colored - it now has a red tint to it - i like it a lot - went to tyler's house - he put my shoe inside a 2 liter bottle and put a whole roll of duct tape around it - it took me over 30 minutes to get that off - we played around - wrestling i guess - i have many bruises on my arms - i smacked him in the face and knocked his glasses off once - kinda found pleasure in that but then i felt bad and said "i'm sorry" repeatedly - we went upstairs and "fooled around" - i took tyler to david's house and he said something like "so about this just friends thing.. no i'm just kidding" - so i thought maybe he meant he didn't want to be "just friends" today david told me that tyler talked to him about us last night and said he still doesn't know if we're back together - i feel used - i don't find it ok to "fool around" with someone who is "just a friend" talked to tyler earlier - asked him to go to the movies - he was already supposed to go with his parents and brothers to see passion of christ but he wasn't sure if they were going or not - he said he would call and let me know - he hung up the phone without saying i love you - that's the first time that has ever happened - it hurts i think i've written enough - later and it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time - i want what's yours and i want what's mine - i want you - but i'm not giving in this time 1 comment|post comment

[19 Mar 2004|07:46pm] [ mood | hopeful ] [ music | dashboard confessional - hold on ] it's cruel but he's got a good hold on me.. lol - that's a picture corbin drew for me because he wanted to cheer me up - i love that kid - the goober i still don't really know for sure what's going on with tyler - i just left his house - at first we were joking and playing around - then he was shoving me off his bed - then i was crying asking him what happened to us - then he was saying sorry - then he was hugging me - then we were all over each other - then i left there's still no definite answer on whether or not we're back together - but i'm going to say yes - just because that's what i want and because i say so - he'll come around eventually i hope - even though it's killing me i'll wait for him that's all i really feel like typing right now - later post comment

[18 Mar 2004|08:55pm] [ mood | numb ] [ music | fenix tx - tearjerker ] make my heart believe a want is not a need and i'm alright without you.. hmm. i don't even know where to begin with this entry. i'm not sure i could say everything i wanted and make any sense. so on monday night.. i thought for sure tyler and i wre breaking up. we were online and he was telling me all of these things.. about how i'm a senior and i'm about to graduate and that he's only a sophomore.. that he's still young. i got offline and called him and cried a lot. we didn't break up. he said he wanted to be with me and that he loved me. his reason for the argument was that he just doesn't have enough time. with wrestling and track [which he is being forced to do even though he doesn't want to] he doesn't have time for anything.. including me. he says it's like we're not even together. i totally disagree.. but whatever. so i thought everything was ok. tuesday.. he kept calling me "friend." this was bothering me. after school, i was sitting in the hallway reading, waiting for softball practice and he had just came in from running. he came over to talk to me.. and yeah. he broke up with me. he said we were still going to be friends and he hugged me for a really long time and then went to kiss me. i was just like.. "i can't." i wasn't going to kiss him if he was "just a friend." so i walked away from him. and the minute i did i burst into tears. god it was hard. i went out to my car and sat there in the cold.. just crying. then i tried to pull myself together and went back inside. i "acted" happy through practice, because i knew tyler was there.. he was up in the weight room... watching me... the entire time. he left and i began crying again. as soon as he got home he got online and sent me this offline message: tyler (3/16/2004 5:22:51 PM): michelle... i dont know why i did that... but i realized how much i loved you when i didnt have you and i want you back... if you dont want to be with me again i understand. i love you so much and i just want you to know that. i miss you already... i need you... I LOVE YOU! sorry for what i did. I LOVE YOU! and here was my reply: me: well i don't think you're getting on here since you're grounded.. but just in case.. you should know that i want nothing more than to be with you. i don't understand why what happened even happened in the first place.. but as long as you're sorry.. and you want me back.. well then of course i'm yours. once i walked away from you in the hallway.. i felt as if my world had fallen apart. i've seriously never felt so alone and numb in my life. and acting like i'm fine and happy is my way of dealing with it. not good, i know.. because eventually it all builds up and then i go crazy.. but that's what i did. so the whole time you were watching me and i was looking happy.. well i wasn't. i saw you when you left.. and i lost it. and never really got it back together after that. me: i came home and after my mother finished her speech to me and left my room... i just burst into tears. then i got online and got your message. and yeah.. i guess i feel better now... i just wish i could talk to you.. so i knew where things stand. there's no doubt in my mind that i want to be with you. so if that's what you want... well yeah.. you know i love you and that's what i want. i love you tyler. and yeah. we haven't really established that we're boyfriend and girlfriend again. we act like it.. but it hasn't been said. i asked him what we were like relationship wise.. and he said he doesn't know.. so yeah. i don't know either. i have more to talk about.. but not enough time. i'll edit this later. love. 1 comment|post comment

fighting and making up [10 Mar 2004|08:43pm] [ mood | satisfied ] [ music | staind - epiphany ] hmm - so it's been a while since i've written - uhh - guess nothing to exciting has happened for me to talk about the week was pretty boring - softball practice - which = me throwing over 100 pitches every night and then doing what the rest of the team does - i was very out of shape but it's not hurting me so much now friday - lol - oh man - tyler didn't lift after school so i took him home and stayed there for a while - aaron was there too - we were just messing around - well doing just about everything but having sex - he was afraid of being caught but still.. good times right there - but yeah - we heard someone coming up the stairs and tyler got off the bed to zip his pants and his mom walked in - she was like "what the hell are you two doing?!" - tyler said "we weren't having sex" - "well what were you doing?" - "nothing" - then tyler's mom was like "michelle go home please" - i was freaking out - i thought she was mad about it - i guess after i left she was laughing about it though - so all was well with that saturday i babysat and then went to the movies with kari, erica harris, jennifer, lindsey, alania, and michael - we saw starsky and hutch - great movie - i so want to see it again - do it i went to tyler's on sunday - he was afraid of being caught on friday but not sunday - as soon as we were in his room and laying on his bed we were going at it lol - leaving our first time out, this was probably the best time yet - i believe my words were "that was amazing" lol - i was there for another 2 hours so of course there was more action.. but not sex - his mom came upstairs and stayed in their room which was right across the hall - lol - we probably would have had she not been up there monday and tuesday were boring as usual - today - woo - i don't think i've ever cried so much at school - i brought something up to tyler, about cutting and about how i didn't think i was strong enough to not cut if he were to break up with me - well tyler and i have very different views on the subject and he wrote a very offensive letter about it - what he said didn't upset me i guess - it was his opinion - but what upset me was that when he gave it to me he said "this is probably going to upset you but you can read it anyway" - so of course i did - said some pretty hurtful things - we fought about it from 5th period to the end of 8th then i was just like "to hell with it.. if he's going to be an ass, let him" - we were alright after that - he went to lift after school - i took travis home and then went to tyler's - i talked to his dad about the whole fight and he said he totally understood me - when tyler got home he told him that he was insensitive - haha - i win =) now to the good stuff tyler's dsl stuff came in today so we went upstairs to see if we could get it hooked up - he discovered he lost the disc for it so he came to the bed with me - he layed there and held me and talked about the cutting thing - then he spanked me repeatedly which really hurt =\ - then somehow i ended up on top of him and he said "i want you so bad right now" and i said "you can have me" - =) - i had to be at practice in like 15 minutes but i didn't care - [ info coming that some may not want to read .. i.e. ANGEL .. just warning you ] this was the first time he has ever "came" inside me - i'm on birth control but he was still freaking out about it - i'm sure all is well and that's just about all i have to talk about - i have a 2 page government paper to write - and i have to finish my final draft of my autobiography - yippee - later =) post comment

kind of perfect [29 Feb 2004|10:21pm] [ mood | tired ] [ music | armor for sleep - kind of perfect ] things can't be perfect all the time - that i know - sometimes we just have to let some things go --armor for sleep rocks my world i'm alive the week was pretty bad - monday through thursday anyway - i cried a lot - even at school - had many people say things like "you're always sad" and "i'm worried about you" - thursday night i was at the store and i bought a card for tyler - it said something like i love the way- you make me laugh even when i'm trying my hardest to be mad i love the way- you always know how to make me feel better and can always bring out my smile and on the inside it said i love you and all the happiness you bring to my heart and that's all - i practically covered the inside with ink - the next morning i took it up to his room before school and left it there without him knowing about it - he had a doctors appointment and was next door at his grandparent's house when i got there - when he got to school he was sweet - rather than being totally avoided at lunch as i was the previous days tyler was like he used to be and i loved it - it was the first day i didn't go to government crying that week i took tyler home after school on friday - nobody was there - we just goofed off for a little bit and then he went upstairs and i stood at the bottom of the stairs looking out the window - he came back down and put his arms around me and turned me around and he kissed me - and he kept kissing me for at least 10 minutes - it was "a bad time" though so nothing else happened - i left his house smiling more than i had all week i went back to his house around 5 that night to pick him up to go to logan to go bowling - then i picked travis up - and then to katilyn's house - we were going down the highway and tyler decided he wanted to "flash" these guys - so he pulls his shirt up and flashes them - well the guys passed us and the passenger mooned us - it was hilarious we went to wendy's to eat - tyler got out of the car by climbing across the seat and getting out my door because he was afraid of being beaten by an old couple lol - lots of laughs were had in there - at one point - for a reason unknown - travis said "gargantuan mother fucker" - that was incredibly funny - so funny that tyler spit his dr. pepper across the table at katilyn then we went to the bowling alley - none of us had bowled in a really long time so it was pretty bad - we bowled 2 games - travis won the first with a 118 and i won the second with a 114 - then we went in the back and played pool - tyler and i were partners and we kept knocking our balls in the pockets when the other two weren't looking - and we still lost miserably - lol then we went to walmart - good times right there - we got a cart and filled it up with random things and just left it sitting in an aisle - then tyler hula-hooped - and we raced each other on stick horses/unicorns that played music when you pushed their ears - and i hid in a trunk - and i spray painted my finger - and we lounged in a little chair in the middle of an aisle i took katilyn and travis home and then went to tyler's so he could get clothes to stay at david's house - i took him to david's where he got drunk and fell down the basement stairs lol i didn't talk to him all day saturday - kinda upset me - but i found out that tyler, travis, cj, and michael were arrested - lol - they were *walking* on top of the rockie's building and someone called the cops on them - they fled to tyler's house which is right across the alley but the cops saw travis running to tyler's house because when travis jumped off the building he broke his foot and couldn't run very fast lol - but the cops forgot to read them their rights - so the case is going to have to get thrown out - cj, travis, and michael aren't in trouble - tyler got beaten practically - jeff punched him repeatedly and shoved him down a couple of times - i stopped by their house today - i guess tyler really isn't in too much trouble - i'm not allowed to pick him up for school for now - not sure how long that will last - you can't tell where jeff hit him so that's good - i guess jeff was talking about sending tyler away last night - tyler told me that today and i wanted to cry - their phone is "temporarily disconnected" and i hate it today kari, david, michael, and myself filmed our commercial for government - it's hilarious - and of course i saw tyler =) - i love him i think i'm going to get ready for bed now - i love the armor for sleep cd - wow - it's orgasmic - and i love tyler - he's orgasmic too =P 1 comment|post comment

confusion [22 Feb 2004|11:34pm] [ mood | drained ] [ music | television ] confusion - that one word sums up my life right now there are so many things i'm confused about - graduation - college - how i'm going to pay for college - leaving my friends - but right now - it's mainly just tyler at the wrestling tournament on saturday tyler barely even spoke to me - he spent a lot of time playing his gameboy - gina thought he had broken up with me because it seemed like he was totally avoiding me - at the end though, he apologized and said it was because we were at the tournament and he kissed me on the lips quickly with his coach standing right behind him - it kinda surprised me that he did that today i called him and he said he was eating and that aaron was there - so it was rude for him to be on the phone with me - he said he'd call me back when he was done eating - i called him back about an hour later - of course he was done eating - i asked him if he wanted me to come over and he said "if you want to" - i was like "tyler.. i'm asking if you want me there" - all i got was the "if you want to" again - so i said i would be over soon got there and went to his house to talk to his mom for a little bit and then walked over to his grandmother's house where he and aaron were - after saying maybe 10 words to me, david george called to talk to tyler - it was rude for tyler to be on the phone with me when aaron was there - i guess it wasn't rude for him to talk to david while both aaron and i were there - aaron got up and went to tyler's house - about 5 minutes later i put my shoes on and walked out the door too - tyler asked if i was leaving and i just shrugged my shoulders tyler came over to his house about 20 minutes later - i was laying on the top bunk and aaron was on the bottom - tyler walked in and put his beloved gameboy on the charger, turned off the light, and walked out - i got down from the bed and went to find him - he was playing pool with mason - i was like "do you even care that i'm here" - he said yes - but then he went to the kitchen and got food and walked upstairs without saying a word to me - i walked up there and asked him to come into austin's room and talk to me but he wouldn't do it - so i sat at the top of his stairs and i cried - then when i went in there to tell him that i was going to leave he got up - but i told him that i wanted to talk to him first so he tried to walk back into his room - i grabbed his shirt and had to practically drag him in there - i looked him in the eyes and said "do you love me" and i started to cry so the words kinda sounded funny - he said yes and he hugged me - i was crying and shaking and he just kept saying "it's going to be ok michelle... it's going to be ok" - i was like "it doesn't feel like it" - he told me that he had just been in a bad mood and that his parents upset him - i told him that he needed to tell me that's what was going on so i didn't think it was me - then his dad came upstairs and tyler went downstairs - he stayed down there i walked downstairs and went to the bathroom - i sat in there for at least 10 minutes crying - when i came out tyler had gone back upstairs - he was playing with mia, his dog, and mason - eventually he decided to wrestle me and my lip got busted open and when i left i was drenched in water because he wanted to throw it on me i called him tonight and he wasn't really talking - then he said that he's just been aggravated because he doesn't have time to do anything because of wrestling - i said "well what can you do about that?" - he yelled "well i'm not going to quit wrestling" - that isn't what i was saying at all - but then i said "well do you think you could focus more on wrestling if you weren't with me?" - he said no - i asked if he wanted to be with me and he said yes - as long as i know that i'm ok - we can make this work - i really don't like coming second to wrestling - but i love this boy so much - i'd do anything for him - we can make it kari talked to me after i got off the phone with tyler - she listened to all of that i just wrote and it helped a lot - i'm feeling better now - so thank you kari - i don't know what i'd do with you i'm definitely tired now - think i'll get ready for bed - later 1 comment|post comment

[19 Feb 2004|09:40pm] [ mood | dorky ] [ music | punchline - my turn [rachael] ] i wanna take you away - find the right things to say - and make you feel the same - and make you scream my name yippee - good times were had today and it totally rocked - MY CAR iS FiXED!! - that's what rocks the most - i've had it since tuesday - anyway - tyler was all wonderful today - i love him being the first person i see in the mornings =) - after school katilyn and i went shopping and out to eat with me driving my totally rocking car - it was great times tomorrow i'm picking tyler up for school - suffering through half of the day without tyler when he leaves for xenia - coming home - going to the last basketball game at home this year - going to gina's and staying with her - going up to xenia on saturday morning to watch the guys wrestle - it should be fun times sunday hopefully i go to tyler's house =) - uh huh =) i'm tired - think i'll get ready for bed now - and it's not even 10:30 lol i want to give you chills - the kind that I feel - i think the world can see that you were meant for me - there's nothing i won't do to be right next to you - i want to hold your hand and make you understand.. 2 comments|post comment

[18 Feb 2004|07:19pm] [ mood | discontent ] [ music | bright eyes- if winter ends ] and i give myself 3 days to feel better.. or else i swear i'll drive right off a fucking cliff.. cuz if i can't learn to make myself feel better... how can i expect anyone else to give a shit? post comment

[17 Feb 2004|10:50pm] [ mood | crying ] [ music | the starting line- saddest girl song ] so it's safe to say that we've been here before heart torn out, down for the count and still come back for more this lesson is learned too well though only unlearned by the time your wounds have healed have you had enough? i guess not cuz your lips are stuck to his time to say enough is enough you'd be so better off you love him but tough cuz it's not coming back from him you can't win stop expecting change he's just a lost cause that you're waiting on take a look around you could have anyone so leave undeserving him it only hurts at first but then you'll find someone to give you everything you want try not to go running back to him so it goes unsaid that we've been here before lonely nights and endless fights and sleeping on the floor he's sorry, so the story goes it's read and replayed, and ends the same way stop expecting change he's just a lost cause that you're waiting on take a look around you could have anyone so leave undeserving him stop expecting change he's just a lost cause that you're waiting on take a look around you could have anyone so leave undeserving him --- =( 2 comments|post comment

sectional champs =) [15 Feb 2004|06:50pm] [ mood | crazy ] [ music | the juliana theory - everything ] 2004 Sectional Champs [tyler is in the middle row.. in the middle.. with the crazy hair] =) we rock and it's great - we broke two of our school records yesterday - it's the first time nelsonville has ever won 1st at sectionals and we're sending 10 guys to districts - the highest before this was 7 - it was an awesomely wonderful good time to be there when it happened - if i'm right i believe corbin [first row-3rd from left], phillip[2nd row-2nd from left], tyler[second row-5th from left], steve[second row-last in row], aaron[back row-3rd from right], josh hodgson[back rom-second from left], jake[back row-6th from left], evan[first row-first on right], kenny[back row-5th from left], and ernie[back row-second on right] are the 10 lucky guys =) not too much has happened since i last updated i guess - my car still isn't fixed even though we already paid the guy to fix it - the doctor put me on the patch but i don't start using it for like another 3 weeks - uhm - tyler bit me again... another lovely bruise i rode up to miami trace with gina saturday morning - we got there early but all was well - and yeah - we won - we didn't know until they actually announced it - it was so awesome - afterwards we went to the wrestling building and played dodgeball with all the wrestlers and had a pizza party - it was good times - came home and i was asleep before 11:30 today i went to tyler's since we didn't really get to spend valentine's day together like.. alone - we weren't alone today either though - aaron, ryan, and mason were in the room with us - we "watched" baseketball and bruce almighty - i love that i can "excite" my boyfriend just by the way i kiss him =) - things went as far as they could go but then we went to austin's room so we weren't disturbing anyone lol - then we went back in his room and i fell asleep in tyler's arms =) - then i woke up and started watching bruce almighty but yeah - i can never watch a whole movie with tyler - erm =) - yep - sidenote - i love the way my boyfriend touches me now i'm really tired and i'm only halfway done with my autobiography - i have to have 14 pages of my rough draft for tomorrow - icky - so i'd better get to that later post comment

TVC Champs! [11 Feb 2004|08:50pm] [ mood | amused ] [ music | mae - goodbye, goodnight ] TVC CHAMPIONS Congratulations To The Buckeye Wrestling Team - TVC Champions Two Years Running! This year they won by more than 100 points. Weight Class/Wrestler 1st Place 103 lbs Corbin Boney 112 lbs Phillip Traugh 125 lbs Steve Young 160 lbs Kenny Handa 2nd Place 119 lbs ♥Tyler McDonald♥ 130 lbs Josh Hodgson 135 lbs Aaron Cranford 140 lbs Jake Mohney 145 lbs Jarrod Taylor 152 lbs Evan Dishong 215 lbs Ernie Perkins 3rd Place 189 lbs John McColloch 275 lbs Travis Saylor ------------------------------------------------------- TVC MEET MVW Kenny Handa ------------------------------------------------------- Phillip Traugh won his third TVC Championship oh yeah. we rock =) placed in every weight class but 171. off to sectionals at miami trace we go =) tyler is guaranteed to go to districts which totally rocks. if he places at districts he goes to state. my baby can do it =) i'll actually update later. just had to share this =) 3 comments|post comment

everything comes tumbling down.. [08 Feb 2004|02:26pm] [ mood | numb ] [ music | the juliana theory - august in bethany ] i think of our time together - is it fading - or am i dreaming - everything you said lives on - i cherish our memories - i wanna kiss your tears away tonight - it's hard to give up the one you never thought you'd leave that song makes me cry every time i listen to it - and i've listened to it an awful lot hmm - i'm feeling really weird and i'm not really sure why - something just doesn't feel right - can't figure out what it is though i didn't get to go to tyler's wrestling tournament yesterday - first one i've missed all season - i was a little more than a little upset about that - but what can you do - our team won the tournament by over 100 points so that's awesome - tyler got 2nd place - we had 4 guys get 1st and then a lot of them got 2nd - we go to sectionals this coming friday and saturday - i should be going up on the saturday with gina - let's hope mother doesn't change her mind tyler - i don't know - he was supposed to call me last night when he got home since i didn't go to the tournament - well he didn't - i wasn't at home but i told mark to tell tyler the number where i was babysitting so he could call there - but he didn't call here - so i called his house and yeah he was there - he wasn't really talking to me though - john was there so he was talking to him - when he realized i was getting upset about it he said "i love you michelle" - i think he thinks that's always going to make things better - so i just said forget it and that i'd call him when i got home i got home and called over there - john answered and told me that tyler would call me back because john was talking to his girlfriend - pissed me off so bad - it wasn't john's house or phone - but i waited for an hour and called back - tyler answered the phone and i said "i thought you were going to call me back?" - i'm betting that anyone reading this can guess what tyler said because i knew he was going to say it before i called - he said "oh well john just got off the phone" - i said "uh huh.. right" - i don't know - things just didn't seem right last night - and today he had to work at the little kids wrestling thing so i don't think i'll be seeing him - he didn't sound too upset about that even though he's always the one complaining about us not seeing each other enough - i don't know my car still isn't fixed and i'm pissed - it was supposed to be done by friday at the latest - it's still not even in the garage - i have a doctor's appointment tomorrow - i kinda have to drive to get there - and then i have practice i'm feeling really --- i can't find a word for it - not right - i think i'll just stop writing now 4 comments|post comment

blibittybah timmy [05 Feb 2004|09:13pm] [ mood | grumpy ] [ music | chantal kreviazuk - feels like home ] something in your eyes makes me want to lose myself makes me want to lose myself.. in your arms there's something in your voice makes my heart beat fast hope this feeling lasts the rest of my life if you knew how lonely my life has been and how long i've been so alone and if you knew how i wanted someone to come along and change my life the way you've done rawr - a little upset right now - tyler's phone went like dead when i was in the middle of a sentence - didn't even get to tell him i loved him =( - makes me sad - he's being kinda dickish since he isn't eating anyway though - but still - i didn't get to say i love you - *sniff sniff* life is effin i don't even know - my car is getting fixed - i go to the doctor for my "exams" on monday so i can get put on birth control - tyler's mom suggested he see other people - *gets more sad and teary eyed* - well she asked if he's considered seeing other people - eff her - she's crazy - tellin me that she's so glad i'm a part of their family - then sayin that to tyler - drives me effin crazy and i want to screeeeeeeeaammm - i'm on the verge of tears right now and i don't know why - i got my first d ever on my grade card - *wants to cry even more* - my g.p.a. is screwed - a fuckin 2.975 - helllllllooooooooo michelle - i'm on national honor society - what the fuck am i doing with anything less than a 3.5 - tyler finds my d funny - made me cry about it even though he was only joking - i get upset when i get a b- for pete's sake tyler thinks it's funny to abuse me - i guess it is - lol - he bit my arm at lunch the other day - i have a nice bruise - i love him a lot - a lot - just saying that makes the bad feelings go away =) my step father fell at work - sprained his ankle - my mother fell down my steps because the dog pulled her down them - she hurt her back - i live in a house full of cripples now - that's supposed to be me - what the eff i'm tired of rambling - good night if you knew how much this moment means to me and how long i've waited for your touch and if you knew how happy you are making me I never thought that I'd love anyone so much 3 comments|post comment

tyler [04 Feb 2004|04:39pm] [ mood | cheerful ] [ music | nirvana - smells like teen spirit ] --we're writing an autobiography in my advanced english class. we have to write about the five most important people/events in our life so far. i decided to write about tyler first and thought i'd post it in here =) here it is.-- Tyler McDonald, my boyfriend of a little over four months now, has been a very important person in my life. Before I met Tyler, I was still learning to cope with bipolar disorder. Unfortunately, I wasn't doing so well. There were still times when I got extremely depressed and felt like there was nothing or nobody that could make me happy again. I believe Tyler came into my life just in time. The two of us met at a football game while I was talking to David George and CJ Rosser, who Tyler was with during the game. I didn’t even know his name but I remember thinking that he was the funniest person I had ever met. Everything he said was funny to me. I remember how there were insects flying all around because of the lights at the football stadium. Tyler's hair is kind of long and I remember him saying that all of the bugs were flying out of his hair. I thought that was hilarious. It had been a long time since I had actually laughed so much because I was depressed so often. After the game, I went to David George's house where CJ and Tyler were staying. It was then that I began to realize that Tyler was somebody I definitely wanted to get to know better. Not very long after that, a little over a week actually, Tyler and I were boyfriend and girlfriend. I asked him where we stood relationship wise and he said, "I don't know, what do you think?" Eventually I said, "Well, I think we're more than friends. Do you agree?" Tyler said, "Yes, I agree. I think we're more than really good friends." So I said, "Does us being more than really good friends make us boyfriend and girlfriend?" and he said yes. And that is how we became a "couple." To me, it was like it was meant to be. Every time I was around him I couldn't stop smiling. He truly made me happy. Something I hadn't felt in a very long time. I knew then that what we had was something special. Things have only gotten better between us since then. I still think everything he says is funny and I still smile just when I see him. It's like I fall in love all over again every time I look at him. Words can hardly describe how much Tyler means to me. He's basically my whole world. When I'm not with him, I'm thinking about him. There aren't many things that I think about that don't remind me of him in some way. Any time I see chicken I think about Tyler. One time we were at Wendy's and I had gotten chicken strips but didn't finish them so they were sitting there on my tray. I asked Tyler if he was ready to go and he said yes and took the chicken from my tray and stuck it in his pocket. Him being silly like that made me think about how much I love him so I said, "I love you Tyler." He looked at me with the most serious face and said, "You just want my chicken." So now every time I see chicken, I think about Tyler saying that. There are many other things that remind me of him, too. Sometimes I think I may depend on his love too much. If something bad were to happen with our relationship, I wouldn't know what to do with myself. I was lost before we met and Tyler is who helped me find myself. I'm sure everyone thinks I could move on if something were to happen between us, but I'm not so sure I could. Just thinking about my life without Tyler makes me want to cry. I have changed a lot since being with Tyler. I’m almost always happy now. If I'm not happy, Tyler can always make me smile. I've become more open, too. I wasn't really shy before, but since I've been with Tyler it's like I've opened up more. I'm not afraid to be myself when I'm with him. Not only do I love him for who he is, I love him for who I am when I'm with him. Tyler has showed me that there is always someone who cares about me and loves me, even when it's not so easy to see. I used to feel like there was nothing or nobody for me. Tyler showed me different. He's brought so much happiness and love into my life. When I can't find any other reason, he's my reason to get out of bed in the mornings. When I'm feeling down, all I have to do is think about Tyler and I smile. How can you not love somebody that makes you smile when they aren't even there? With Tyler, I now know that there will always be someone who cares and loves me. Those feelings are doubled and returned right back to him. post comment

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